So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
