i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
