Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
