Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize