the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
