time to smoke my breakfast
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
