I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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