Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
