Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
