I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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