I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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