when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
