happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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