yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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