I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
