Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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