I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
