He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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