woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize