My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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