ADVERTISEMENT

• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music

  Fav 3 1061 1124

  share tweet
  

• (989): View more from Michigan

  there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere

  Fav 12 1456 3124

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (862): View more from New Jersey

  Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

  Fav 6 2869 1287

  share tweet
  

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

  Fav 11 3064 822

  share tweet
  

• (661): View more from California

  he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".

  Fav 9 1525 739

  share tweet
  

• (904): View more from Florida

  It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

  Fav 1 1027 646

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (248): View more from Michigan

  in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.

  Fav 2 769 792

  share tweet
  

• (847): View more from Illinois

  Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....

  Fav 1 702 744

  share tweet
  

• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.

  Fav 0 823 505

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend

  Fav 3 1259 524

  share tweet
  

• (503): View more from Oregon

  If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.

  Fav 0 221 134

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes

  Fav 0 20 51

  share tweet
  

• (313): View more from Michigan

  Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.

  Fav 2 102 20

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.

  Fav 2 59 11

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (423): View more from Tennessee

  Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.

  Fav 0 20 34

  share tweet
  

Randomize