I am puke
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
