he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
