By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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