Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
