He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
