also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
