im drinking this country out of the recession.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
