Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
