k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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