Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
