You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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