Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
