The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
