I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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