happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
