Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
