That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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