Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
