I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
