Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
