yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize