I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
