My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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