My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
