You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My apartment stinks of burning failure
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
