Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize