Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
