You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
