why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
