where does the pee come out of this thing
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
