mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize