sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
