What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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