a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
