so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize