Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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