Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wear drunk well.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
