If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
