wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
what day is it and did you see me today?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
